My exquisite beauty shines on the borderline of tranquility…
I am a woman who deserves everything that her heart could possibly desire, and I will not settle for less.
Every woman has an essence. We share something deep and true, in our spirits and in our hearts. We are all precious and priceless. We are made with a splendid femininity that is powerful, tender, fierce, and alluring. No doubt, at times we are all misunderstood and misinterpreted. Some days we are abused, disrespected, neglected and even assaulted. But our true heart is still there, still captivating and always worth recovering. At some points in life, most all women feel that they do not measure up. We feel unseen, unsought, and uncertain. We are always trying harder. Shame is our universal companion.
There is so much that I wish I could tell you, but I am not ready to discuss my personal pain. Sometimes things in this life just happen to fast. It seems like we are barely able to solve one problem or situation, before the next three rise up to the surface. There are so many distractions, temptations, interruptions, delays, changes, phases, cycles, challenges, conflicts, disappointments, losses…and they seem overwhelming at times. I see them all now as experience, knowledge, and gained wisdom, but often we don’t see the lessons in life’s rough experience. These things teach us to be accountable and to learn control, maturity, responsibility and even gratitude.
I want to unlock the fullness and richness of my heart and my spirit. I am a beacon of light surrounded by the darkness and it tends to overshadow my true self most times. I am abundant in freedom, creativity, imagination, and love. There are truly no boundaries in what I can do, except the ones I make for myself. I deserve the very best that this crazy life has to offer. I am special and a unique creation. I have learned through my years that it is actually okay to be who I am. I am good enough. I am so much better than good enough. I am exquisitely beautiful.
I am an artist, a true artist at heart, for I see things in a different way than most. I have a different way of seeing through my mind’s critical eye. I am a teacher. I want to help others achieve and accomplish. I have a need to show them that it is okay to take risks and opportunity and turn it into hope and prosperity. A simple word or encouraging smile can renew someone’s hope or faith in themselves or humanity.
I am blessed with the ability to get along with and love others. I am full to the brim with compassion, empathy and most important, the capacity to understand most any feeling or situation. I did not ask for this, I was born this way and at some times it can feel more like a curse. I see with both my physical and spiritual eyes. I am blessed with a kind & receptive heart. Blessed with the power of the spoken & written word. Blessed with poetry, artistry, and song. I am to be a healer, an encourager, a believer, a friend, a person that carries their heart on their sleeve. I must always protect and keep my heart golden, for it is the core of myself and is to be shared with everyone I meet.
I am a woman who lives, learns, loves, appreciates and is continuously planting seeds of faith, hope, and love in other’s hearts and lives. It is not always an easy task, for I am also a woman that has been misjudged, underestimated, used, abused, knocked down and left for dead. It is only that I have kept the notion in my heart; that I am a new creature predestined for greatness. Everything bad that has ever happened will not define me. I choose life. I am a woman after God’s own heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)
I have had to guard my heart all of my life. It has not been an easy task and I could have given up a thousand times over. I chose to remain. I chose to go on. My heart is the center of my faith, love, and courage. It is the essence of my existence and I have just recently realized that it is rather beautiful. My heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities and is a reflection of my true self and motivation.
As a woman, it comes only natural to love. And I have loved some deceitful and manipulative men that have tried their best to steal the fiery light from my eyes. A couple of years ago, I made an unconscious decision to not settle, to wait until my true husband or partner came waltzing into my life. I figured I would know, feel “the real thing” when it chose to approach me. It is only then that I will love, listen to, submit to and obey only HIM until the end, our death. This does not mean that I don’t want a man right now at this very second, lol I do but I want a good man. One that has to seek God before he can capture my love.
Woman was made for man… to be a suitable helper, a loving wife, a best friend, lover, nurturing and kind mother. But there is more to it than that. I also want respect and to be pursued and fought for, and yes romanced and swept off of my feet! Almost all women want their “prince charming”, their “knight in shining armor” riding in on the blinding white horse to come and rescue them. Yet the 21st century is no fairytale. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or a simple helpful action…not some romanticized cure-all antidote.
Being modern and taking on so many roles SUCH as wife, mother, and professional is juggling act. We precariously balance a plethora of things at one time. Being a strong, intelligent, independent and successful woman in all areas of life is a challenge and deep down inside, a woman needs more. We need a loving and growing healthy spiritual journey with a partner who has some of the same interests and desires in his heart.
A woman wants to know about a man’s love for her and his family. A woman needs to know about the joy and passion that a man holds for her. A woman wants a man to love her for who she is and wants him to really see her and hear her and know her and continue to pursue her heart and spirit as they grow together.
I have yearned for so long, to find someone on my level. A man that embraces and mirrors my wild heart. I waited and searched and prayed… until I felt hopeless and had to put my need for true love on the back burner. It was not until quite recently that someone very special to me spoke directly to my heart. It is all new to me, these feelings and the ability to express myself once again, but I cherish it and cannot deny it.
I am a single woman and yes, an artist. Most of what I do with the gifts that I have been given in art is done in complete solitude. Just like now, as I sit alone in my room and type these solemn healing thoughts. As a writer, I write alone. As a painter, I create solo. As a singer, I sing by myself. It is a release to do these wonderful things that bring so much joy and healing into my life, but it is so hard to separate the loneliness that I feel. I do these things, by myself but I also want a relationship with someone on my level. Someone who understands me and my need to create and express. I want a strong man, one who is comfortable in his own skin and easy going. He must have respect for me, himself and all other people and living things.
I am a woman. I am tender and gracious. I am strong minded and also so very worthy to be truly loved. In the depths of my soul, I long to be a part of something large—something valiant and good. I want to be part of something that requires all of me…mind, body, and spirit. Lord knows I want to be a part of something eternal, something worth living and dying for.
There is a fierceness burning inside of me. There is something fierce inside of the hearts of all women. We are warriors in a uniquely feminine way, and we can do it without causing real physical harm. I do not have a husband or children at this point. But I know that if my children, husband, family, or friends were insulted, threatened or in some sort of danger….I would be right there to protect and defend them to the very end.
I am irreplaceable. I cannot be replicated or reproduced. I must use this time that I have in this temporary world and live to the fullest, touching as many people as I possibly can with my love and beauty. I only hope that my true partner will come forward one day to share in this great adventure. I sometimes lose hope and think that I would be better off just being alone, living my days out by myself like some modern day Emily Dickenson. I could create masterpieces, on my own time without any special demands, need, want, or pain. There would be no deceit, no lies, no disappointment. I think that I could live like some hermit or recluse out here in these woods and no one would be the wiser…except for me.
I know what this beautifully warped world is like and I am not like the world. I have morals, boundaries, standards, and values. I want more for all people. I wish more for mankind and our society as a whole. I think sometimes…that if I could just get away from all the madness, perversion, lies, betrayal, and temptation of the world, I would be okay. I know now why I have so feverishly wished to just disappear from the realm of societal bounds, because as a woman I have been hurt over and over again. I got tired and worn the fuck out. I went down so many dead-end paths that were not fruitful. My love was raped and my still beating heart has been torn from my chest. I was allowed these experiences but did not stay to wallow in pity or settle down for the long haul of unfulfilled happiness.
In my heart of hearts I know that I cannot ever cut myself off from civilization, it is not a realistic intention. As women, our lives are meant to be lived with others. We are made in an image of perfection and as humans we are relational to the core of our beings. We are filled with a desire for a pure partnership full of love, faith, hope, respect, forgiveness, stability and ultimately TRUTH. We ache, we long, we dream of being an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure.
As a woman, I want to know that I am absolutely lovely, delightful, and beautiful. These truths have been revealed to me slowly and surely, as more and more of my inner light is being unveiled every single day. The secret, the mystery that swirls around a woman is that she may be beautiful, inside and/or out. She may make you stand in awe or run for cover. She wants you to look into her heart and see who she really is deep down inside of her soul. She wants you to be amazed. She wants to know that she is enough to fulfill you. That she is worthy of true love, full and unconditionally…regardless of all circumstance.
The heart of all women, of even me, has the desire to be captivating in the true depths of all that she is…BEAUTIFUL and healthy on the inside and out. The depth of my spirit and my soul is alive with potential. I am courageous and vulnerable and available in all areas of life.
The desires of a man’s adventurous heart and the desires of a woman’s beauty were meant to fit perfectly together as one entity. When a woman is in the presence of a good man, a real man, she is more herself and loves being a woman. His strength and individuality allows her feminine and natural heart to flourish. A real man pursues a woman and draws out her beauty and her inner sanctity. A man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to be a truly good man. It draws out his inner strength and piety. A real woman inspires a real man to be a hero. To be an inspiration. To be a prince. A protector. A provider and even a priest throughout their continuously blossoming relationship.
I am a beautiful woman that is still on a journey of the heart. I am on a journey towards the restoration and release of the woman I long to be, not just the woman I already am. The longings and desires that are written deep across my heart, are telling me something essential about what it truly means to be a woman and to love and live the life that is meant for me. Before now; many of my hopes, dreams, and desires could not be achieved because at times I feared for my life. I was assaulted, taken for grated, or simply laughed at, ignored and neglected. On the outside I smiled. On the inside I was dying, looking for a way to fill all the empty voids I held onto. I was striving and desperate. I held resentment and was at times cruel and unforgiving to myself because I was not happy and thought that was what I deserved. I was wrong.
I was treated badly, and treated myself even worse. I did not realize the beauty that I held inside, because it was beat so far down. I did not know how to cope with the destruction of my life or build it back up on a strong foundation. I know now that there are qualities all women possess, such as being inviting, understanding, vulnerable yet always able, tender and the embodiment of mercy. We are fierce and devoted. We are warriors. A real woman will not be abused, disrespected, or lied to. We don’t accept it and we don’t embrace it.
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
- A woman does not want to be a burden, an appendage, or a tagalong. She wants to be a very essential part in a man’s life. She has an irreplaceable role to play. We are given fierce devotion for a reason, but must be cautious who we devote our hearts and lives to. We have the ability to forgive and suffer great disappointment and hardship. We are given a vision to make the world a better place and it is up to us to use it. As a woman, my beauty will radiate, even though I have been trying to hide it with all of my might.
All shall be well. My beauty will be completely unveiled at exactly the right time, and not before. My beauty will invite, entice, arouse, draw in, nourish, comfort, encourage, inspire, and altogether transcend all time and place. I am not happy living merely to survive day by day…month by month. I want to live and thrive and not be afraid. So I decided today….I shall not fear. Not now. Not ever again because I know what I hold inside and it is beautiful and indescribably amazing!!
- TO BE CONTINUED IN….BEAUTY OF A WOMAN PART II